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I don't know where you're going "KENNA!" I flew out of my house, the hollow log where I'd been born. My paws hit dirt and I revved like a wildfire, tasting escape and doubling my speed. Behind me, something large crashed through the bracken. "Kenna, stop! Where on Earth do you think you're going?" But do you got room for one more troubled soul? There were tears streaming down my face. I hadn't noticed before. I wiped them away impatiently, hating the weakness, hating the pain. The maneuver cost me speed. My pursuer caught up. I was knocked off the path, pressed down in the dirt by a heavy weight. I screamed and lashed out, but strong legs pinned my paws to the ground. "Stop thrashing, crazy girl," a voice said. I don't know where I'm going "Let me up," I choked out. "Let me up. I swear, I'm going to kill you if you don't let me go." "You're going to kill me?" Yellow eyes flashed like venom, hot breath beating down on my face. I flinched, practically digging a shallow grave as I writhed in the dirt. "You don't have it in you to kill me." I was sobbing full out by now, gasping for air and finding none. "I need to get out of here." The tom's mouth curved into a sneer. "Like I said, where can you go? You're my daughter. This is your home." But I don't think I'm coming home and I said "I'm not coming home!" I screamed. "Why don't you understand? You've lost me, lost me for good. I'm never coming back to Birchwood. I hope this place burns like the hell you've made it." Raising his eyebrows, Colt--I couldn't bear to call him my father--said, "Vicious words from a she-cat so small. Whatever you think I've done, you're deluded." "I know what you did. You killed her," I snarled. I'll check in tomorrow if I don't wake up dead Colt's eyes darkened. "That's a terrible accusation, Kenna." "Your own mate! My mother!" My voice rose till it was a shriek. "You're insane," he said, swearing. "Your mother was a liar and a cheat, but I didn't kill her. It wasn't me." I shoved him off of me, getting to my feet. "It was you. And you're going to pay for your crime." "You are naive and hysterical. That's not the way the world works. You need proof." "So I'll find proof." Colt leaned forward so that his yellow eyes were all I could see, blazing with killer fire. "You won't find any. And if you push this, Kenna, if you try to go after me, you will never find justice. I will make you pay for every word you dare to say against me, daughter." This is the road to ruin "We are bound by blood. To destroy me is to destroy yourself." His eyes, like fire. But he was right: I was his daughter. Fire was in my veins, too. I was ready and willing to burn. "I don't care if I destroy myself." And we're starting at the end For a second, his eyes softened. "This is backwards, Kenna. Most cats spend their entire lives searching for home. You've already got one." "Mother's gone. This isn't home, and you're not my father." Colt was losing the last vestiges of his temper. His claws came unsheathed. His muscles bunched under his skin. A powerful cat. Fathers were supposed to be strong so they could protect their children, but I was the one who had tasted the brunt of his anger and power. I had lived with him too long. I knew too much abuse. I couldn't let it happen again. I leaped at him. Say yeah ' '''Let's be alone together ' We grappled in the dust, and for once, I had the upper hand. I was on top, wrestling him into the dirt, slamming his body against the ground. Like he was worthless, like he meant nothing, making him helpless and broken-- The illusion shattered as his claws hooked near my throat, pulled me close. "Is this what you want? To be alone forever? Look at you, trying to kill your own father. You are just as broken as me, Kenna." '''We could stay young forever He was right. I had been broken since... so long. I thought that all of it had taught me to be strong, standing against my father's tyranny, protecting my mother from the worst of his rages. But really, I had been fracturing, piece by piece. "I might be broken, but I am not like you," I hissed. "Not like you, do you understand me? I can heal and rebuild. You are a killer! That's permanent!" "I didn't kill Myrie!" he shouted. "I didn't kill your freaking mother!" Scream it from the top of your lungs, lungs, lungs Her name. Her name, my mother's name. My brown-eyed, gentle mother. My tender mother, with the voice as soft as rabbit's skin, with the incredible ability to always say the right thing. My mother, who drew me close and held me tight when Colt came home with his group of criminal friends and ransacked the place with their wild antics and fights. Her name, pure and precious, rolling off his filthy tongue. I screamed like a banshee. "Don't you ever say that name again." I lashed my paw across his face. Say yeah Let's be alone together "I loved her." He was on the ground again. Blood streamed down his face; it didn't even register in my mind that I had caused it. "I loved her. We have to grieve together. We're the only ones who knew Myrie and loved her like she deserved to be. This loss is ours to bear." "You've done too much. This is the last time you'll ever see me, I can promise you that." "Kenna, you can't leave me." Suddenly there was panic in his eyes. "They're coming for me, Kenna. The only reason they haven't taken me yet is you. You are my redemption. Daughter, please. If you turn your back on your own father, you'll always regret it." We could stay young forever ' I couldn't feel any pity for him. Not anymore. When I was younger, yes. I'd seen my father beaten bloody, I'd seen what he suffered because of his association with the group he worked with, a mysterious group of cats who stole and lied and terrorized anyone who tried to stand in their way. It was the only way Colt knew how to live his life: seize power through violence and make his living in that way. It was the doctrine he'd employed at home for as long as I'd lived. It was hurt or be hurt. He reached for me. I grabbed his paw and wrenched it the wrong way till I heard it crack. Colt yelled in pain. "So you don't try to follow me." "Kenna, they will ''kill me." I shook my head, stepping back. In a clear last-ditch attempt, he said, "Kilivate. He'll hunt me down and murder me now that you're not there. Kenna, you can't let this happen--" "You'll find a way to cling to life. Cockroaches always do. Only the good die young." '''We'll stay young, young, young, young, young Myrie. Only the good die young, mother. I'm so sorry. But I can't be as good as you. "Stay! Please, stay!" I stomped on Colt's broken paw for good measure and turned and fled. I didn't look back as I tore my way out of Birchwood, leaving my father behind to bear the weight of his own sins. You cut me off, I lost my track My life hadn't exactly been fun. I had learned to expect the worst; if one day didn't bring a threat, that meant the next almost certainly would. But walking home and seeing my mother's body, lifeless and left to rot at the end of the path... It was too much for me. Knocked me out of my own head, into some dark abyss that Myrie used to light up in my heart. In the moment, I was sure it was Colt who had killed her. I guess I would never know now. It's not my fault, I'm a maniac And now. Now. What was left? Who was I now? I felt insane. I reached the edge of Birchwood and kept running, not knowing where I was going. Wondering if I should've killed Colt, wondering if I should've stayed with him. He was right, in a sense. I had done the unthinkable, abandoning my own blood. It's not funny anymore, no it's not I laughed, a little maniacally. "Well. Dysfunctional family. What can I say?" My heart is like a stallion "I know three truths about you, Kenna. One, you are the smartest cat in the world. There is no puzzle you can't solve, no question you can't answer, if you put your mind to it. Two, you are powerful. You're an intuitive hunter and a quick-witted fighter. Three, you have a strong heart. You will never break." They love it more when it's broke in Myrie had told me that when I was two moons old. Being just a kit, I had no idea what she was talking about. I just wanted her to make Colt stop yelling and hitting things--I couldn't sleep with all the noise and fear. Now the cruel irony of my mother's voice haunted me. I stopped, breathless, leaning against a tree trunk for support. I had no idea where I was, only caring that I wasn't in Birchwood any longer. My mother thought I had an unbreakable heart, but she was the only one who could break it. The only cat who had ever shown me what unconditional love was, gone. Do you wanna feel beautiful? Two moons old, spinning before Myrie, giggling and laughing. "Thmart, a fighter, have a throng heart? Am I pretty, though, Mother?" "The prettiest, Kenna. That's the fourth thing about you." I had hesitated, confused. "I can't talk, though." "Having a lisp doesn't devalue you, my dear. No matter what your father says." I screwed up my face with concentration. "I'll learn to talk properly. Tired of being called an idiot." Do you wanna? Yeah! I learned. To talk, I mean. I'd forced back my lisp till it only came out when I was angry or emotional--and then, of course, I'd set to work on getting rid of emotions. It wasn't hard. Being impassive was a huge help when our home was flooded with Killivate's henchtoms, plotting raids and crimes in loud, obnoxious voices. Myrie would usually take me hunting on days when she knew Colt was bringing home "guests", trying to spare me from the worst of the gatherings. She couldn't fully protect me, though. I had to develop my own defense mechanism, a blank mask to put on so that no one could see and hurt the real me. I'm outside the door, invite me in "You're out," I breathed; I had to say it aloud to convince myself the nightmare was finally over. I could barely see the edge of Birchwood from my spot on a wooded hill. "Forever," I added, a determined promise to myself. Forever. It was time for a new beginning. But I knew I wasn't just leaving Colt behind. "Good bye, mother. I'll always love you. I'll always remember." Another promise. I kept my promises to those I loved. So we can go back and play pretend I knew why Colt had wanted me to stay. Killivate. The leader of his group, gang, whatever you want to call it. Colt had used Myrie and I as excuses for anything he did wrong, pleading to be spared so that he could care for his family. Now that both of us were gone, he would have to take the punishment for whatever he did. Good. If Killivate didn't kill him, I would come back and do it myself. I couldn't pretend anymore, couldn't pretend I was who my mother wanted me to be, couldn't pretend I was who my father wanted me to be. Could never go back. I'm on deck, yeah, I'm up next "It's my turn." I mounted the crest of the hill and looked at the valley spreading out before me. The world at the tips of my toes, unfolding like newleaf's breath, just waiting for me. "My turn to build myself." Birchwood and the Kenna who had grown up there was gone. If I wanted a new life, I had to forget it all. I was strong, strong enough to reinvent myself. Strong enough to break myself into pieces and reassemble myself. Tonight I'm high as a private jet I broke into a run. The wind whipped back into my face and into my mouth, coasting and whistling through my pelt. It tasted like freedom and stars. It felt like flying. 'Cause I don't know where you're going I traveled the entire night. I was exhausted by the time the sun peered over the horizon, but it was worth it. My surroundings were completely unfamiliar. A thick forest of conifers stretched out for miles, and to the northeast, I saw smoke rising into the sky. I had never seen Twoleg dwellings before, but I realized that they must lie beyond the forest; it wasn't the right season for a natural fire to be happening. But do you got room for one more troubled soul? Noting the size of the forest, I guessed that even if there were cats already living within, there was room for one more unintrusive she-cat just looking to live alone. I was going to put everything I had into my new persona. An untouched, unbroken she-cat with an ambiguous past. I was never going to let anyone in to see beyond that veil. It would be easy, I imagined. You only wanted to share your secrets with those you loved, and there wasn't anyone left who I loved. I don't know where I'm going But I don't think I'm coming home and I said I'll check in tomorrow if I don't wake up dead This is the road to ruin And we're starting at the end Say yeah Let's be alone together We could stay young forever Scream it from the top of your lungs, lungs, lungs Say yeah Let's be alone together We could stay young forever We'll stay young, young, young, young, young. My heart is like a stallion They love it more when it's broke in Do you wanna feel beautiful? Do you wanna? Yeah! I'm outside the door, invite me in So we can go back and play pretend I'm on deck, yeah, I'm up next Tonight I'm high as a private jet. Yeah ' '''Let's be alone together ' '''We could stay young forever Scream it from the top of your lungs, lungs, lungs Say yeah Let's be alone together ''' '''We could stay young forever We'll stay young, young, young, young, young. I don't know where you're going But do you got room for one more troubled soul? I don't know where I'm going But I don't think I'm coming home and I said I'll check in tomorrow if I don't wake up dead This is the road to ruin And we're starting at the end